Two dumb crooks this week. While dumb crooks are entertaining, I have to say it’s hard in this bailiwick for Alaska Man to keep up with Florida Man, as the Sunshine State’s much larger population just gives them a lot more to work with. But once in a while, the odd gem pops up, giving us something to point and laugh at.

Case in point: I believe the medical term here is “plastered.”

On 8/11/24 at 1400 hours, Troopers responded to a report of an intoxicated female walking in traffic on Diamond Ridge Road near the Sterling Highway. Troopers contacted the female, who was extremely intoxicated, and while talking with Troopers she nearly walked into the path of an oncoming vehicle. The female initially gave Troopers a false name, but she was eventually identified as Kentoria Wise, 42 of Kenai. Wise was arrested and transported to the Homer Jail. During the booking process Wise was uncooperative and threw her urine-covered shoes at Troopers and Homer Officers. Wise was remanded on charges of providing false information, disorderly conduct, and harassment in the 1st degree. 

Wow. Just… wow.

Alaska Man score: 3.75 of 5 moose nuggets. Points for achieving a really impressive level of intoxication – I mean, this is really something. Also a point for being amusing. Demerits for throwing urine-soaked shoes at cops.

Now, this is a real Alaska dumb crook.

A man has been charged with four counts of felony vehicle theft after an alleged boat-theft spree on the lower Kuskokwim River this summer.

According to charging documents, 20-year-old Joshua Jackson has stolen boats in Kwethluk, Akiachak, Tuluksak and Lower Kalskag starting in June.

In each of the alleged thefts, the boats were recovered. Some were recovered on the same day, and some were recovered with items missing. One of the boats mentioned in the charges was apparently stolen both in Akiachak and Kwethluk on separate occasions. A boat stolen in Tuluksak in early July was recovered later in Bethel, and a boat reported stolen in Lower Kalskag was later recovered in Kwethluk.

In Alaska, a boat thief measures on the social scale where horse thieves did back in the days of the Old West. Good that they caught this guy. In many places, you can fish from the bank and a 4x4 or an ATV can handle most hunting chores, but Alaska is a land of rivers and lakes – over three million lakes – and boats are vital if you like to hunt and fish. Even if, as they say, a boat is a hole in the water into which you must periodically pour money.

Alaska Man score: 1.5 of 5 moose nuggets. Points for being stupid enough to get caught so quickly, making the crook semi-comical. Demerits for being, well, a boat thief.

Finally – the Alaska State Fair is underway!

This year’s fair promises to deliver the staples that fair-goers have come to expect: food, vendors, concerts and entertainment. And who doesn’t love the rides?!

Chase Eckert is in charge of safety and operations for the Golden Wheel Amusements, the carnival company manning dozens of attractions at this year’s fair, including the brand new Four-by-Fun, a dune buggy ride for the kids.

“We expect to move a lot of patrons in the next couple weeks,” Eckert said. “We’re excited. The weather is fantastic.

“We get the energy here once the gates open,” he continued. “We just want to fill the rides, so we’re happy to be here.”

He says their motto is “Safer is Funner” and the rides are ready to handle the 400,000 people expected to come by over the next two weeks.

State fairs are always fun for the whole family. When I was a kid, we would on occasion make our way to the Iowa State Fair, then the largest in the country. It was great – not only were the rides and the livestock exhibitions fun, but it was also a great place to pick up classic Iowa fare like a breaded pork tenderloin sandwich, a deep-fried Twinkie, or even (yes, really) a deep-fried butter stick.

Alaska Man score: 5 moose nuggets for Palmer and the state fair.

Now then, let’s talk about this year’s berry crop – and a few other things.